What’ in the Bag??

This is from Cindy S. from Boise Idaho

So, I found this really great guy on Match.com and we’re going to meet in a fairly nice restaurant in a very upscale part of town. I got there first so I was at the table when he walked in. He was dressed really nicely. I thought it was weird that he was carrying a duffel bag with him.

He sat down and put the bag on the floor next to him. He was so cute and well dressed. I said to him, “What’s in the duffel bag?’ He kind of blew it off and just then the waiter came up to greet us. I got distracted and didn’t follow up.

As the dinner went on, he was so charming and wonderful. I had a couple more drinks and finally said, “OK, I have to know what’s going on with the bag? What’s in there?” He paused and said, “Well, it’s things that I thought I would need for this date.” Immediately I had thoughts of four things, Duct tape, a shovel, a gag and Ted Bundy. I said “oh, excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the rest room.” I got up and walked directly out the door! WTF??

 
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Hey Shakespeare, Relax!

Ok….I can’t speak for the men but, ladies……what’s with the 2000 word profiles?? We really don’t want to know your whole life story! Trust me, if a man looks at the size of your profile and sees that it’s 10 paragraphs, he will skip it!

This is how men look at profiles…..first they look at any and all pictures of you. Then they look at where you live, your age, if you have or want kids. Then they go back and look at your pictures again. Then and only then will they read some of your profile. The only time they will really read the whole thing is after they have exchanged some sort of communications with you.

For the most part, the hotter the woman, the shorter and concise their profile will be. They know that the men aren’t going to read it at all before the send an email. It’s sad but, that’s the way we are wired. It’s in our DNA. We are hunters. We have exceptional visual acuity. We are much more interested in looks than what books you’ve read.  It is also interesting that humans are one of the few species where the female is the more beautiful one. We are programmed to gather all kids of information from looking at you.

So ladies, save yourself time and simply write a paragraph or two. One about what you like and another about what you’re looking for in a man. That’s all you need! Trust me, we men don’t give a crap about the fact you love to collect tea spoons from around the world! Keep it short and we’ll read it. Any more and our eyes just glaze over. Spend more time on putting up some flattering pictures of yourself. Notice I said flattering not sexy! Save those for after you’ve been dating a while and you want to tease him while he’s at work!

Think of it as a resume cover sheet Keep it short, sweet and having them want to hear more!

 
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Keep an open mind!

Sometimes we have to keep an open mind when it comes to dating. I know the standard coffee, drinks or dinner are the common first date ideas. Each has it’s own benefits. The coffee is short and sweet. You won’t have to make any excuses about your epileptic cat having a seizure and have to get right home. Drinks are always good because if you like each other, you can continue it on to dinner.

Let’s talk about some other ideas. The other night I went to a concert. Not just any concert. A Gay Men’s Choir. And yes, it was a first date. I asked her out  for a Friday night. She said yes and then told me that she had these tickets and would I like to go with her? I thought about it and said sure, why not. Ok, not the most conventional venue for a first date but, we ended up having a great time.

Keep in mind, going somewhere like an art opening, a concert, an amusement park all create an emotional response in your partner. Taking her to a scary movie can do the same. It creates an environment for her to bond to you. I know you don’t get a lot of quite time to talk to one another but, I think it allows you to see more of a person.

So, get out there and try something different on your next first date. Don’t be afraid to be in an environment that you have control over. You’d be surprised what you might learn about one another and how much fun you will have!

 
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Gee……I seem to get a lot of email!

Sent in from Rick from Sacramento, CA

I was browsing a popular internet dating site last night and came across this little gem. Is she serious? Her profile did indeed match the picture. She obviously had something other than dating on her mind.

I’m not sure why women bother to spend $39.99 per month, fill out all those questions and them seem to be looking for something like this? There’s got to be an easier way. She probably needs a full time secretary to field all the emails she gets!

As Steve Harvey talks about in his latest book...”When men meet women, they categorize them like they catch fish. There are ones they catch and release, and there are ones they keep and bring home.” Which catagory do you think this woman falls into?

 
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A Picture Is Worth…. Maybe Just One Word?

Ok, ladies…..as I tell my 19 year old daughter…..You get what you advertise for! The pictures you put on your profile will dictate who emails you. It’s really that simple. This picture was sent in by a reader who said this woman’s profile stated “I’m looking for a real gentleman. Someone who hasn’t forgotten how to treat a lady. A stable and emotionally healthy man who is looking for a long term relationship.” Somehow, her picture doesn’t say that.

If you want random sex with STD laden partners, then this would be a great picture. But, if you want a real relationship, you might want to rethink your choice.

When I see pictures of scantly clad women, I look at them and appreciate them for what they are, and move on. If sex is the only thing you have to offer a potential date, you need to be on a different site. It’s no wonder some women complain about “always attracting the same type of guys!” Gee…..

Ladies, post an attractive picture but not over the top. Believe me….men love women who are sexy but don’t need to flaunt it! Save those other pictures for later on in the relationship when you want to surprise him at work with you dressed in nothing but a strategically placed bandana and a smile!

 
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Hockey is such a “Pleasure”

This one was sent in by Sharon from Bangor Maine...

I was on my way to this guys house to pick him up for our second date. His car was broken so I thought I’d be nice and get him. We were going to out to a new sushi restaurant. I was excited to see him. The first date went so well. He seemed perfectly “normal”.

When I got there, he asked me to come in and asked me if he could watch the last two minutes of the hockey game. I said “sure, no problem.” I sat down on one end of this pretty long couch. He sat on the other end. I thought that it was a bit weird that he would sit so far away but, hey, no problem.

In less than a minute, he undid his pants, pulled them down to his knees and began to masturbate! I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say or do! My fist thought, of course, was for my safety. He was between me and the exit. All this time, he never looked at me once! Just kept watching the game. It’s not even as if he thought I was so hot that he couldn’t contain himself!

After about 60 seconds, he finished. Calmly pulled up his pants and said, “you ready to go?” Holy shit I thought! I got to get out of here. Somehow I blurted out, “I’ve got to leave, right now!” I got up and almost ran out of that place.

Haven’t met a man at his house since!!

 
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Stupid Things We Do On First Dates!

So….be honest. Have you ever done any of these first date “no-no’s?”

  • Showing up 30 minutes late without calling. Just use manners. It should be common sense but, I know that’s it not. Women think they can get away with it more. It’s just plain rude!
  • Taking calls or text in front of your date. Put the phone on vibrate and put it away. No….don’t leave it on the table. You want your date to feel  they are important to you! Again, it’s all about manners.
  • Talking about your ex for more than 15 seconds. If asked, just say something like “Oh, we just wanted different things from life.” That’s it! Save the gory details for much later.
  • Not complimenting your date on something. People just want to feel good about themselves! A simple compliment will make your date feel so good. Just make sure it’s from the heart! Oh, and don’t comment on any body parts. Duh!
  • As a man, not taking charge. Opening doors. finding the table, making sure your date is getting what she wants, making sure she is comfortable etc… What happened to all the gentlemen out there? I guess my father taught me well. Most men seem to lack some of these skills. Stand out!
  • When your date goes to the restroom, you get on your phone to check email, text etc. and letting them see you doing this when they come back. Nothing tells your date that you’d rather be somewhere else like checking your email in their presence. Geez, what did we do before cell phones??
  • Talking about anything negative! The first date is supposed to be fun and flirty. Don’t bring it down with your “stuff” Keep it light! If he or she starts talking about their occasional bouts with acid reflux, just change the subject. (and maybe offer them a Tums)
  • Going in for the kiss when they are not ready or don’t want it. Men, this is obviously directed to you. I’ve heard dozens of stories from women who can’t believe the man would even try! Guys, If you are so clueless that you don’t know the difference between a woman who wants you to kiss her and one who doesn’t, your an idiot! There are so many no verbal clues that we give out to one another. Just pay attention to some of them. You know, like when you walk her to her car and she has her arms folded, or she just gets in the car right away, or she tells you that she “doesn’t need for you to walk her to her car.” These are but a few signs that she’s probably not into you. Pay attention dummy! Speaking of kissing…..even if she wants you to kiss her, don’t go crazy here. Leave her wanting more. Just my opinion.

Ok, so I know we’ve all done maybe one or two of these. No problem. Just learn from our mistakes and remember….you want to be the kind of person that YOU would want to date!

 
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Another cryptic and stupid profile

Does this profile just make you want to jump through the computer and meet this person??

I am determining my reality, chivalrous** and this is profile v39.
Summary? That sounds so conclusive.Doubt that adding a provoking, precise, irreverent, inconsequential (a photo is worth ≥ 1000 words), modestly aggrandizing blurb would summarize me as well as this sentence does.☆✬
I am a human; being.
I like finding exceptions, and when an exception finds me.

Wow, I wish I knew what the hell she was talking about!!

 

 
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It’s All In The Picture

Ok, this one is for both the men and the ladies. Let’s go over a couple of rules of posting your photos for on line dating.

  1. Actually put a photo of yourself up! Some people, aka….married, don’t feel that they need to put a picture of themselves up. Are you crazy? Why would anyone, especially a man, respond to someone without a picture. Yes…..I know, it’s all about the personality. Well, in order to get to the personality, you need to be attracted to the person in the first place.

    What man could resist this?

  2. Don’t put up a picture up of you and your better looking friends! In fact I would actually try and gather a couple of friends that may just be “unfortunate”  looking and use them if you insist on a group shot
  3. Don’t put up your Glamor Shot or Prom picture! .You want to look BETTER than your picture when the person finally meets you. Use a good but, not great picture of yourself.
  4. Have someone else take the picture. Not you, taking the picture of yourself standing in your bathroom with the toilet in the background. C’mon people!!
  5. Leave the stupid pictures of scenery out unless you’re in the picture. Leave that for a slideshow you guys can look at when your 80!
  6. Men…….Get way from your fancy cars, boats, planes, jet skis etc. Nothing says “I’m superficial and have really nothing going for me except some money” like that type of picture. You get what you advertise for! If you want a “gold digger”, then go for it.
  7. Ladies…..enough with the cheesecake photos. If you are looking for a serious relationship with a man who will treat you with dignity and respect,  put those mules back in their stable and put some clothes on. When I see those over the top photos, I appreciate the sexuality of the picture and move on tothe next woman. And, yes, I sometimes go back to that picture for a second look.
  8. Leave that little crapper of a dog out of the picture! Nobody really cares that you are so in love with your pet that you must feel compelled to have your picture taken with them. I saw a women one time

    What might be wrong with this on line picture?

    post a professional photo, you know the kind you get from a studio, of her and her dog! I’ll bet you that dog sleeps in bed with her. When a man looks at a picture of an attractive woman, he’s thinking about what she may look like naked. Now throw the dog into the mix and well, it just ruins the whole thing.

  9. Men….take off the sunglasses and baseball cap. If you’ve lost or are losing your hair, so what? Women really don’t care about that.However, if they don’t see it right away, it will throw them off when they meet you, don’t ya think??
  10. Don’t have your picture taken from 50 yds. away. You need at least one tight face shot and one FULL body shot. It’s all about “truth in advertising.”
  11. Ladies, standing next to Mr. Hot Ripped Guy: Male stripper, hot model, bartender hunk with his shirt off, bodybuilder stud… whatever…Your photos are supposed to attract US, not other women… No guy looking for a girl online will be impressed (or attracted at all) by her posing with some muscled dude with an 8-pack. At best, it turns most of us off because we think you are shallow (that’s OUR job!) At worst, it sends us running because we think you’ll only date guys who are ripped like that.
  12. Last thing: Four to five pix max! Remember…..the more pictures you post, the more chance the person looking will find one that really turns them off. Less is sometimes more.

 

 
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Nice Hands!

Sent in by Rich from Dallas, TX

About a year ago, I took this really attractive woman (35) to a nice steakhouse overlooking a small nearby lake. I thought it was really romantic and quaint. We had talked a couple of times on the phone and I thought we had made quite the connection. Since this was the first “real” on line date I had, I was a bit nervous.

We got a great table by the window and all was going well until maybe the third drink (hers, not mine).  I was telling her about my job when I noticed her eyes kept wondering down to my left hand that was resting on the table. She suddenly asked me, “you really have nice hands. Do you play the piano?” She said this in kind of a weird way. I said, “no, I don’t but thank you.” Hell..I didn’t know what else to say.

Another martini later, while I was once again trying to give her some story about who knows what, she just looked down at my hand, picked it up and placed my first two fingers directly into her mouth! She started making noises like you would make if you just had a bite of the best cheesecake ever. I had no clue what to do? I kept thinking that I was being punkd’ or something. After a few seconds she seemed to come to and said, “oh, I’m so sorry. I just have a thing about hands and fingers.” Now I removed my fingers from her mouth and they are just kind of hanging out there. All wet. I didn’t know what to do? Should I dry them off on the napkin? My pants? Her pants?

If you’re a man and you’re reading this, I know your thinking how hot this should have been. How this was basically a “green light”. I just thought it was really creepy. $110, and two wet fingers later, I just went home thinking that if this is what on line dating is, I’m in big ass trouble!

 
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