Let’s Play Junior Gynocologist?

This came in from Silvia, of Phoenix Arizona.  It doesn’t really qualify for “Stupid things we do on first dates” but, how about “Crazy things we do because we’re so horny we can’t think straight?”

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. We have a great sex life and are always trying new and exciting stuff. Last week he bought one of those finger tip vibrators. You know the kind that you slip your finger through. It’s about the size of a walnut and feels really good!

The first time we used it, he put it on his finger and stuck it inside of me. Wow, that really felt crazy good!! It gives you a sensation that you probably have never had before (at least for a woman :)).

Anyway, last night he asked me if I’d like to use it again? I said sure and grabbed it from the night stand. Remembering how great it felt inside of me, I placed it just inside my vagina. He looked at me a bit strangely but didn’t say anything. I was so worked up I just wanted him to please me while this thing was inside. 

As he started to pleasure me, he jumped up quickly with a sort of panicked look on his face. I’m thinking…..boy….what the hell are you doing? get back down there! He says, “I think we have a problem! “What are you talking about?”, I said. “I think that thing is way up inside of you. I can barely reach the tip of it with my finger.” “Let me get it for you”, I blurted. I proceeded to practically stick my whole hand up inside of me trying to fish this pleasure toy from the depths of my lady bits! I suddenly started to sweat and felt this overwhelming feeling of anxiety come over me! I could barely feel it. This thing was waaaay up there! I had visions of going to the ER and having to explain this. There was no way I was going to do that.

By boyfriend says, “Maybe if you have an orgasm, it will push it out!” Not sure why but, at the time, it made sense. I figured, hell, couldn’t hurt. He gave me one hell of an earth shattering orgasm!  Once I came back down to earth, He put a finger inside of me like a doctor measuring my dialation during labor. He told me it was now even further up there! Once again, panic set in. We needed to get this out and fast!

“Wait a second, I have an idea”, he says. He runs out of the room and comes back with these really long tweezers and a roll of duct tape. He wraps the end of the tweezers with the tape, to cover the sharp ends. He then cleans them thoroughly and tells me he can get it out. At this point, I’ll try just about anything. This thing is still vibrating up a storm inside of me and no longer feels good!

I lay on the bed, raise my legs up and he shines the reading lamp at me. To make a long story short, it didn’t work. I think he was too scared of hurting me. On to plan “C”

He finally sticks his heavily lubed up fingers into me for what seems to be an hour, and after almost getting it a few times, finally gets it out! Whew! What a relief! Needless to say, I was really sore and out of the mood. My poor, sweaty boyfriend, was still horny, so I………. well, I’ll save that for another post. :)

Moral of the story?……Don’t put anything into you that is not either attached to something else, or has a string at the end of it.! :)

 

 

 
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No Use in Closing the Bathroom Door!

From an OK Cupid profile:

The six things I could never do without:

My sense of:
1. Touch
2. Taste
3. Smell/breath
4. Sight
5. Ears
6. I can see through wood but only when I’m superhigh. The first time it happened I saw through my friends gun cabinet and saw how many guns and exactly what kind of guns he had. Then he opened up the cabinet and I was right. The second time this happened I looked at a friend’s wood entertainment center cabinet in the living room and there was a TV in there behind the wood and I saw it and I could tell what was on the TV screen even with the cabinet doors closed it is an amazing ability but it only works when I’m so so high that I can’t see anything else cept whats behind the wood.

 
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Careful What you Throw Away!

From time to time we have questions that come in from readers that would be best answered by a female. So, in that spirit, I’m having a guest writer friend of mine chime in and give her answers to some of your trickier questions.

I too, will answer the question with no previous education or experience in the field. Just my own unscientific and often marginal advise.

Janet from Green Bay, WI writes:
“I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year now. Lately he seems to be a bit complacent about our relationship.

I know he has a crazy ex-girlfriend of nine years that still calls him on a regular basis. Recently, I have seen evidence she has been in his car. Hair clips, earrings, etc. He says that they are old and have been there for over a year. ya, right! 

Anyway, I don’t go to his place much but, I was over there about a week ago and as I was throwing some trash out into the garbage can that he keeps outside the kitchen door, I noticed an unused, unwrapped tampon! I’m thinking….what he hell is going on here. No females live with him.

Later that night I asked him about my find. He tells me he knows nothing about it and it must have come from his apartment neighbor who lives in the adjoining unit. I’m thinking……wow, is that the best you can come up with??

So, what do I do? I go over to his neighbor, who I know, and ask my friend if the tampon came from his wife? He says, no, She doesn’t have a period anymore and has no need for them. I confront my boyfriend again and he still says that he doesn’t know where it came from.

My question is, I do love him but, where do you just draw the line and just get out? Why can everybody else see this but me? Help!!

Janet,
Green Bay, WI

Dear Janet,

It seems to me you’ve answered your own question and seek validation that you’re on the right track. For the record, I believe you are.

The fact that you felt compelled to speak to your boyfriend’s next door neighbor about a tampon means that you have reached a new low point in your relationship. This is self-defeating behavior that will result in a death spiral of your own sense of value.

On behalf of all single women out there, please don’t let this jerk get away with it by staying in an unhealthy relationship. It gives him confidence that he’ll be able to get away with lying to any future women he may “love”.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s kinder to tell someone that they’ve been lied to than to help perpetuate the illusion that this relationship is built on a foundation of honesty. You deserve better and I think you already know it.

Good luck!
Merodie Gentile

Dear Janet,

Here is the male opinion on this. Guys are basically stupid. This guy isn’t even bright enough to come up with a somewhat plausible story. He could have came up with a number of stories, like maybe one of his friends came over with their girlfriend……or he found it behind the dresser while cleaning…..anything would have been better than his lame ass excuse.

I think I would have been more upset at his total lack of respect by thinking I was so stupid to believe his ludicrous story! This guy is a moron.

Janet, listen……We all have stayed in relationships for the wrong reasons. Low  self-esteem, wealth, good sex,  whatever. The trick is to recognize what you are doing and to get out before you have zero self worth left. This will only cause you to pick an even worse guy who will treat you with even less respect but it will be the only type of guy you feel you are worthy of.

UPDATE ******** Janet wrote to me a few days later and told me she broke up with AssClown when she found three calls on his phone from the crazy ex! ! Yeah!! BTW, “AssClown” is now his official name!

 

 

 
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The “Egg Man” Bearing Gifts!

I was matched with Ken through EHarmony. We traded a couple of nice emails and I spoke with him on the phone once. He seemed really charming and nice. Funny, he didn’t seem the least bit psychotic. I agreed to meet him for dinner a few days later.

I should refer to him as the “Egg Man” because when he walked in the door, that’s what he looked like! He was at least 100 lbs. heavier than his pictures and ten years older. I instantly thought about the pain I would endure with this 280 lb man on top of my petite 105 lb frame. Not a sexy thought!

He seemed overly nervous and I could tell he was not my type early into the date. About 20 minutes later, he excused himself by telling me he had to go to his car for something. When he returned, he handed me a small, gift wrapped box. My blood ran cold and I instantly started to feel faint. I thought…..please don’t be that creepy guy who brings gifts on the first date! Especially jewelry. I faked a smile and opened the box to see a ring. At least it wasn’t a diamond. It was actually a nice gemstone type but nonetheless, I was speechless. I thanked him and was determined to end this date ASAP.

After the oh-so-boring date, he walked me to my car where I gave him absolutely no indication that I wanted him to kiss me but, or course he came at me like 15 year old in heat. I quickly dodged his incoming assault and turned to give up my cheek. I thanked him for dinner and got out of Dodge!This is where the fun begins!!

No less than five minutes later the text barrage began. I received no less than 25 texts expounding his feelings of how he thought we were so good together, how he was crazy about me, how he wanted to see me the next day. I did not respond to most of them. When he suggested that I could show him some houses for sale, (I’m a Realtor) of maybe I could just show him my house and my bedroom, I had to respond. I told him that I had a nice time but that his texts made me feel uncomfortable and told him that I really didn’t want to go on another date with him.

The next day, the text started early and often. About 30 or so. Asking me to go bike riding, to play tennis and even to go to South Africa with him. I just kept responding with “NO”. Then he started calling me. Leaving me stupid voice mails asking to “start over”. He then emailed me with a long letter with pictures of his family trying to let me know what a great background he comes from and how I should give him another chance.

The next day, today, he left and voice mail saying how painful it was for him and how beautiful I was and that he wanted to just start over! All this after one phone call and a 90 minute date! Are you kidding me??

At the time of this writing, he is still texting me. This is only my second internet date after coming out of a long marriage. Please don’t tell me this is the norm.

Oh, BTW, when I got up this morning, the ring had already turned my finger green. This dating thing looks like it’s going to be loads of fun!!

 

 
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The Hazards of the Good Nite Kiss

I promise I want to keep this blog light and entertaining however, there is a part of me that feels compelled to share stories that may help a fellow reader avoid the rare but, ever present possibility of real danger!

This story came in from Claire of Long Island New York:

“So, in the middle of the night, after reading the date rape story on your blog, I had to share this with you.  Perhaps we can warn others through your site, and thanks for providing a forum for me to finally get this out of my head.”

“Always park under a street lamp in a crowded parking lot.”  Isn’t that what we’ve always been told?  Well, it won’t matter if you are the only one in the lot, other than the guy who has offered to walk you to your car at the end of the first date.  So, while I thought I had parked safely, I was unprepared for the attack.  My door open, I am seated in the driver’s seat, keys in hand, and ready to depart this chemistry deficient date.  He was holding the door open and leaning in for an un-welcomed good-night kiss.  Presenting my cheek instead, the words I’d heard once before were spoken again, “Oh, trying to play hard to get, eh?”  And then I knew.  I was in trouble – just like the attack nearly 25 years ago where I was almost raped by a colleague. ”

“No one can hear you scream with a big guy on top of you in your car parked in a crowded lot beneath the street lamp because no one was seemingly in the parking lot anyway.  He shoved me further into the car and was on top of me in a flash! Before I knew it, I felt his strong hand up my dress. Fear tore through my mind as I felt his fingers inside of me. I was saved only by a sharp knee to the groin, which, as we’ve always been told, works. And work it did, disabling him, now writhing in pain on the ground, enough for me to close the door and drive away.  I did not run him over, but I thought about it.”

“I really didn’t realize it at the time but, I was raped. I was too scared to go to the police. This guy knew a lot about me. He knew where I worked, he knew I had two kids. I feared that if I turned him in that he would come after me. Looking back I realize I should have immediately gone to the police and had him arrested.”

I want to thank Claire for sharing her story with me. I realize it must be difficult to relive it in your mind. Hopefully this might make someone think the next time they are in a similar situation.

Ladies………If possible, valet park. This way there will always be someone close when you leave. if there is no valet, try to park close to the restaurant.

Remember…..nature has given us all a very keen sense of danger. Listen to your instincts! Gavin De Becker wrote a great book on this called “The Gift of Fear”.

Those first couple of dates with someone new can be fun and exciting. Just think with your head and less with your heart!

 
Posted in On Line Dating Tips And Tricks | Leave a comment

Gee…..How Did That Happen?

Sometimes, I have to write about something that isn’t really crazy, funny or even entertaining for that matter. What it will do is educate someone and possibly save their life.

A woman I dated for about a month or so, a year ago, called to see how I was. We decided to have a drink together and catch up. Keep in mind this woman is very bright, attractive, about 50 years old and knows her way around the dating world.

Karen, as I will refer to her, was filling me in on her dating life and made mention of the fact that although she has been out with numerous men over the last year or so, that she had not had sex. Then she says, “Well, I did do something really stupid last Friday night.” She went on to say that she and her girlfriend decided to go to this nice lounge type bar in Santa Monica and just have a couple of drinks. This is what she remembers happening next…

“My friend and I ordered two Martini’s and began talking and having fun. About an hour later we ordered another drink each. Just then, a handsome man came and sat next to me at the bar. We began talking and laughing with him. He seemed like a great guy. Shortly after, my friend told me she didn’t feel well and went to the bathroom. 45 minutes passed and she was still gone. I began to feel really weird. I thought I was wasted. Our new “friend” told me that I was too drunk to drive and offered to drive us home. Just then my friend came back and said she had been throwing up. I figured she got food poisoning. At this point I was feeling really bizarre. It’s like I couldn’t feel my arms or legs.”

” I vaguely remember sitting on some couch with this guy, and making out with him. I had no idea where I was. My friend was passed out on the other couch. I don’t remember anything after that. I woke up the next morning, in this guys bed, naked and sore. I thought to myself…..gosh was I really that drunk last night? I don’t remember having sex but, it was obvious that I had. This guy was real nice to us. Offering to make us breakfast and then asking me to come back to bed with him. I told him we had to go and immediately left.”

As I was listening to my friend tell this story, I knew right away what had happened. I then realized she didn’t know!! She thought she was just drunk. I said, “Holy crap, you were drugged and raped!” She insisted she wasn’t. She kept insisting is was a case of just too much alcohol and poor judgement (she only had two martini’s over a 2 hour period). When I really explained to her how and what happened, she realized I was right.

I’m sharing her story so all you women out there are aware how easily this can happen.

Flunitrazepam, aka, Rohypnol, Though flunitrazepam is often cited as a date rape drug because of its high potency, strong effects and the ability to cause strong amnesia during its duration of action.

Keep in mind, In most parts of the world, whether or not a drug was used is irrelevant to the issue of whether a particular incident is rape or not. The legal definition of rape in countries such as the United States also covers a lack of consent when the victim is unable to say “no” to intercourse, whether the effect is due to drugging or simply alcohol consumption.

Please watch your drinks closely. Don’t accept random drinks from strangers. Don’t leave your drinks unattended.

This is a sad story. I hope it may someday help someone.

 
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Can “Friends with Benefits” work?

Tammy from Los Angeles writes to us today with a very common question:

“Hi there Shankapotumus!
I have a [new] guy friend that I went out with a few times and he asked me to be his “friend with benefits” just the other day. What do you think of offers like that?

Thanks for your question, Tammy. Well, here is my humble opinion…..

These types of “relationships” are very common among people in their 20s and 30s (research suggests that over 50% have had such a relationship at least once), They are also growing in numbers among older people. These relationships offer the advantages of caring friendship and sexual enjoyment without the emotional turmoil and commitment associated with romantic love. The disadvantages are that they lack some of the advantages of romantic love–in particular, the continuous and deep bond to the other.

This type of arrangement usually carries with it two components. First, friendship. This type of friendship has, what I feel, is a less stressful component to it. You’re not trying to impress the other. You’re not trying to win their love and affection on a constant basis. It’s more of a warm comfortable and familiar blanket of contentment. Like your grandmothers hot baked apple pie. It just feels good. The second component is the sex. I’ve been told that you can just be more yourself! Not so worried about what your mate is going to think of your orgasm face or that you are not perfectly groomed every time you with each other. It has a unique comfort level to it. Research shows that men appear to focus more on the benefits and women more on the friendship.

I personally know a few women, and men, who use this model as a kind of a safety valve. As one woman put it, “It keeps me off the ledge”. They feel if they aren’t so sexually charged, on their first few dates, they will be better at truly evaluating their potential partner without the need to get sexual so early.

Many couples do this after they have been going out and realize that they might not be right for each other on many other levels but, sexually they are dead on. Once one of the partners finds a new mate, they call it quits. Sometimes they come back weeks or months later to once again fill the void they feel.

In friendship with benefits, the friendship and the benefits are typically non-exclusive recurring sexual (or near-sexual) activities. The bond and commitment in friendship with benefits are less deep than in romantic love but greater than in casual sex. While romantic love usually involves a similar relative weight to the friendship and the sex components, in friendship with benefits the friendship component is of greater weight, and the sex component is a kind of icing on the cake. Hence, the two partners have often been friends or lovers first, prior to achieving the position of being friends with benefits.

This is surely not for everyone. There is always a risk of one partner who might develop feelings that transcend the sex-only relationship. This can and will lead to hurt feelings if both people don’t feel the same. Proceed with caution on this type of arrangement.

The bottom line is this kind of friendship and sex only relationship can be very exciting, safe and convenient but carries its own set of risks.

 

 

 
Posted in Questions From Readers | 2 Comments

It’s All About The Chase!

Question from a reader:

Denise from Austin, TX, writes…

Ok, I need help with this.  Why does it seem as soon as I get close to a guy, he seems to start to pull away from me? I met a great guy about a month ago at a local club. He seemed perfect. Attentive, cute, smart and really seemed to be into me. I thought I would take it slowly. I usually just go way too fast and scare them away.

So, after the fourth date, we finally slept together and it was so nice. I felt that bond, that closeness that I so long for. I thought he felt it too. As weeks went on, he seemed to become a bit distant with me. Eventually he became kind of an ass and I dumped him. I just don’t get it. What’s with men these days?

Denise,
You didn’t mention your age however, this type of behavior tends to be more prevalent in younger men. I feel that older, more mature, men have a better handle on dealing with the feelings they come across when this type of situation pops up. 

If a man is truly into you, he will continue to do so on a upward continuum. However, once he has sex with you, the whole dynamic changes. If he was unsure about his feelings toward you, this will not make it any better. If fact this is when most men, who may be uncertain about you, get distant and start to pull away. 

See, for many men, it’s all about the chase! It’s a challenge to see if they can win your affection. Once they feel they’ve “got you”, the chase is over for them. The thrill is gone. In my opinion, if the guy truly has feelings for you, (which can take some time to develop) he will just have stronger feelings once you have sex. If he is on the fence or not really feeling you, it will probably just distance him.

I’ve said it before ladies……..hold out a bit longer on the sex. If you really like him, allow time for you both to know each other better! Not only will you have a better chance at a long lasting relationship but, when you finally do have sex it will be so much better!

 
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How many do you date at one time??

Ok, all of us who are on dating sites, for the most part, understand that when we go out on a date, there is a good chance the person we are with is dating more than just you! I mean, c’mon! You’d have to be a bit naive to think that your date has jettisoned all other love interests just to go out with you and you alone. Not!

I think most of us are dating maybe two, three or even more people at one time. I have a dear friend, Karen. Now Karen thinks of it as more of a true numbers game. She has been known to go out on six to eight dates in a single weekend. That is with six to eight different guys! I asked her how she keeps them straight? “I keep different colored Post It Notes in my purse and if needed, I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to get my facts straight”. Wow, now most of you must be thinking about how tiring that must be. But, as I’ve always said….you can’t make a choice unless you have a choice.

So here is the rub….the minute one of the parties starts to really feel something for the other person, they expect that person to stop their on-line buffet. The problem is the other person may not feel the same feeling at the same time.

I remember I was dating this lovely woman about a year ago. I got to the point where I took myself off of the on-line scene. Didn’t make a big deal about it. Didn’t ask her if she was still on there. One day she asked me if I was still on-line? I told her no. She just said “oh, ok.” That’s it. She was off a day later.

The other problem is you can sometimes see if your new guy or girl is still on a dating site. You know you are going to check. Don’t lie….you know that after date two or three, you will get on and see when they were last on line. But be careful. You might not like the outcome of your search!

In summary, I have really no idea what the answer is. If you do the one person at a time dating method, it could take you decades to find that special person. If you do the six at one time method, you will surely be unable to give the emotional energy needed to any one person. How about just dating them all at the same time. You know, just have them all meet you for dinner and let the best man or woman win? Nothing like a little competition to get the juices flowing. Oh….alright. Bad idea. I’m going to bed!

 

 

 
Posted in On Line Dating Tips And Tricks | 2 Comments

How Fast is Too Fast to Sleep With Your New Love Interest?

What’s the old saying?….. “Men need sex to fall in love and women fall in love to have sex.” This is been a problem with couples for decades now. In the old days, there was little question that as a man, your chances of getting to “third base” were very slim until you two were serious. As foreign as this may sound these days, if you think about it, it is a pretty sound idea.

In the book “Venus and Mars on a Date” by John Gray, he talks about the five stages of the dating cycle. These would be, Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy and Commitment. He feels that if we follow these in that order, relationship bliss will be the end result. The problem is that most of us go from “attraction” directly to “intimacy.” This is where I think the problem comes in. Once we have sex, it clouds our ability to properly evaluate our potential mate. We are awash with all the great feelings we get from sex. Oxytocin fills our brains and causes us to connect with our mate. This may sound great but, this “connection” is a not really a connection. It is merely a result of all the great feelings having sex with someone can bring.  Without a chance to really know more about the person, it gives us a false sense of connection and love.

Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and then judge you once you do! Indulge them and you are unlikely to inspire confidence that you are “different” and that you don’t do this with “every” guy. I’m not saying it’s fair or right. I’m saying it’s real.

We, as men, are programmed to spread our seed far and wide. If it weren’t for this desire, none of us would be here today. The problem is it conflicts with our other desire to “pair bond.” That is to say that we also have a strong desire to  emotionally connect with a woman, fall in love and live happily ever after. Again, this is not fair but, it is how we are wired.

You see, when men are evaluating their potential mates, they’re looking for a woman who is healthy, strong and able to give them healthy offspring. This doesn’t matter how old we are. These thoughts run together with our desire to have a trustworthy mate who is not giving herself to every potential “competitor ” out there. So, when we run into women who get sexual too early, we feel that we are not special. We feel she would be giving this to all the men in the neighborhood. Now, of course, most of this thinking goes on subconsciously. At times, we are completely wrong in our judgment of this but, we can’t help thinking it just the same. Of course, knowing all this doesn’t stop us from coming up with elaborate plans and lies to “spread our seed.”

Some men feel the more they see potential in a new relationship, the longer they want you to hold out. In other words, we sometimes make early decisions whether you are serious girlfriend/potential life partner material, or just the fun girl of the moment. If a man tells you that he wants to hold out a bit, take that as a huge compliment! This usually means he really sees a future with you.

Women are somehow worried that if they don’t give it up early, the man will bail. Not true! If he really likes you, he will wait. Trust me on this one! If he bails, he wasn’t worth it. Now this doesn’t mean that you should have no physical contact whatsoever early on. You can do a lot of “connecting” without going all the way. Take the time to tease and enjoy the sexual tension that will build. In today’s climate of instant gratification, we are all so anxious to get to the main dish. Relax and enjoy the ride.

Women….make him “court” you a bit. Allow him to pursue you. Let him be the “man” in the relationship. Don’t be so quick to give in to his every desire. You will find that you will weed out the guys that are really not good for you and hopefully end up with a man who respects and adores you.

 

 
Posted in On Line Dating Tips And Tricks | 3 Comments